1. DungareesJust because we said you looked cute as a toddler in that photo from 1992 it doesn't mean we wanted you to revisit this trend. Dungarees are not only confusing to take off, but no matter how hard we try we can't dissociate them from the mental image of podgy red faced handy men wheezing as they try and fix the kitchen sink or Super Mario gloriously racing to video game victory.
You can try and sex it up and call it a 'playsuit' all you want, it's a romper and I don't want to play with you when you're in it.
2. BirkenstocksThese sandals look like slabs of hardened steak that an ethnic dance teacher has decided to slap some leather across in a bid to create a shamanistic tool. Not that she would use real leather of course, that would be far too cruel. To add insult to injury they have a hard knobbly surface that feels like your foot is colliding with a neanderthals knuckle at every step. We don't understand how you find them 'soooo comfy.' If Satan was a geologist, he would wear Birkenstocks.
- Mullet skirts
These are two words that we never expected to be used together and we would have liked to keep it that way. The mullet skirt is a compromise - not cheeky enough to be a mini, not floaty enough to be a maxi, we see the mullet skirt as a sort of hemline no-mans land stuck between two good places.
FUN FACT: If you walk against the wind in a mullet skirt it looks like you are being used as a human slingshot.
We never quite got over how much our Dads in wetsuits looked like Shamu, and now you insist on bringing neoprene into our daily lives in the form of scuba tops and midi skirts?! We won't stand for it. We refuse to have our mothers, sisters, friends and girlfriends walking around in foam fortresses of polychloroprene that look like they could be made into iPad sleeves.
- Booty shorts
Whilst booty shorts still boast a larger surface area than hotpants, this cannot be seen as an excuse for the shameless butt cleavage on display. Hardly sexy, most of us just see this as a novel way for you to store pens or other long thin objects. That's all I shall say.
Spare a thought for all the shorter men out there who thought the rise of the comfy/ugly shoe in fashion would finally mean an end to tiptoeing across dance-floors to elevate themselves to the level of those amazonians wearing monster stilettos. The flatform marks an end to this, as girls can stay comfortable but maintain that added height by essentially strapping foam mattresses to their feet.
A handy guide to when you know your flatform obsession has gone too far? If you look at your feet in the mirror and you look more like bigfoot than a human, it may be time to tone down those hooves and get over your fear of intimacy with the pavement.
- Bandeau Tops
Did someone just wear an extra large tennis headband around their chest for a laugh and have a eureka moment? Are they now a billionaire, sitting in a mansion somewhere cackling and contemplating how they (in conjunction with Booty Short Barry) have revolutionized the club wear uniform. We don't understand this trend anyway, but we really struggle as to why a strap of lacy material can cost £25 at Gilly Hicks, and why you would willingly pay for one.
- Bow Mania
If you aren't a professional cheerleader or 3, putting bows on every conceivable surface of your person should be outlawed. 'Kawaii' isn't a trend that we are well aquainted with, and so bows generally just make us think of porcelain dolls in horror films and child beauty queens. Having said that, we also realise that every girl goes through the headband with a sidebow phase, and we accept this is a rite of passage equal to our wide legged sk8r boi jeans phase.
- Thick Full Fringes
When your fringe requires a separate grooming regimen to the rest of your scalp you may need to ask yourself some serious questions about prioritizing life goals over combs and hairspray every morning. Despite what Cosmo may have told you, your forehead probably doesn't need to be shrouded in mystery.
- Ugg boots
When I was 5 and drew a family portrait, I furnished my stick men with generously globby looking 2D boots in a brown colour. Did I invent the Ugg boot in that moment? Their rudimentary design and landslide inspired colour palette makes me doubt that any real creative talent was involved with the making of these, and that someone through misadventure decided that the 'loaf' shape needed to be adapted to footwear.
- Toe Socks
They freak us out and they should do the same to you, you nu-rave pro toe-segregation she-devil.
- Harem Pants
Sure, the extra space in the crotch makes for an extremely comfortable choice of trouser... but we do also tend to worry about why you suddenly need that extra crotch space.