8 Things We Still Didn't Care About This Valentine's Day

14 February 2015

Instagrammers of the world, hang your heads in shame. If you thought posting a comprehensive, carefully composed photograph of your 'Valentine's Day Haul' was the kind of carefree, selfless sharing that social media has come to define, think again. Nobody else cares what you got for Valentine's Day - unless it's ridiculously cool and involves extreme snowboarding or fine whisky (the two coolest things in this world).

It was like this in 2013, and it was like this in 2014, and the fact that the general 'Valentine's Day Haul' has barely mutated is a damning indictment of a world that should be embracing the increasingly hyper-individualistic, customisable and innovative products now available in the marketplace. So do the world a favour and do not share the following....


1. The Michael Kors Ultimate Duo - Tote Bag and Rose Gold Watch

Don't even DARE hashtag #THEBOYDONEGOOD. No, he didn't, you dropped extremely explicit hints all year.

2. Pandora Bracelet or Anything Swarovski

I guess these are slightly less cringe-inducing than H. Samuels, but come on, they're cut glass. Let's not treat this like an engagement ring.

3. Tiffany's Necklace

I always envisage a dystopian future in which girls walk around with Tiffany necklaces like dog-tags, so they can be returned to their owner if they get lost.

4. Moonpig.com - anything.

Official destination of the Lazy Manfriend. This website provides totally inexcusably formulaic gifts that fall squarely under the dictionary definition of cliché.

5. Ted Baker Body Butter

Essentially the same in formula as Wilko's body butter, but 10/10 for branding.

6. Anything Victoria's Secret (Except for the Body Sprays which are probably the most delicious scent to ever grace this fair earth)

The body sprays are delicious. But other than that, who pays $69 for some yoga trousers?

7. A Dozen Red Roses

For the man who hasn't even heard of MoonPig.Com. These guys are merely a farce.

8. Framed Pictures

The novelty of actually printing off a hard-copy photography is not enough to justify how corny and predictable this gift is. (I have used stock imagery to avoid insulting an actual real life couple.)