How To Be a Feminist This Summer & Not Offend Anyone

30 August 2014

It's difficult being a feminist. It's even more difficult to be a feminist that doesn't believe that women are a super-race of above average intelligence uberbeings and believe that women belong to the same flawed speciesĀ as men, just deserve a little extra help in bringing us up to par with them, because you know, centuries of oppression happened.

Presumably though, like 99.9% of feminists, you think mankind should be forever condemned to toil in our honour and shave our (obviously) overgrown armpits for us as we sit in our golden thrones of matriarchal queenliness.

In the summer, clothes are thrown off in anticipation of a ray of sunlight, pools are invaded by swarms of children and the cat calls begin. In order not to offend anyone who might want to shriek a charming compliment your way, be sure to keep your earphones out at all times in the eventuality that you might thank them - and maybe even get their number as they suggested!

Make sure to keep your eyes not only in front of you, but also higher up... on the roofs of buildings in case you miss a poetic word from a group of builders on your way to the tube station and are unable to engage them in harmless flirtation!

It's important to remember that short skirts are going to attract the admiring gaze of males in the street: Unless you are fat, hairy-legged, streaky tanned, weirdly tall, bemusingly short, covered in cellulite or anyone other than Beyonce. Be sure to keep your legs in good condition before you leave the house or think of the horror the public might be subjected to. It's practically your civil duty.

Don't wear a 'No More Page Three' T-shirt. No one wants to hear your opinion because clearly you are out to promote the immediate killing of anyone who has ever admired a pair of breasts. And it doesn't matter that toplessness might not offend you (you may even be a part of the 'Free The Nipple' movement!), the many nuances of feminist activism are boring to the great British public.

Oh and another thing - shave. Shave everywhere. Porn has made it impossible for us not to devote at least 5 hours a week shaving our legs, and more than that trying to clean the plughole afterwards. It's just not natural guys... Girls are soft and fleshy and squeaky and it's not like we have anything better to do like actual jobs or studying.